


I Almost Do

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Non-linear Format, References to Background Dean/Lisa, Season 5 AU, season 6 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-09 18:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10417989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: When Sam prays to him, Castiel's first instinct is to go to him.  How could he not?  But something about Sam felt wrong, and Castiel has a war to fight.  He can't afford the distraction.Sam is *very* distracting.This also tells the story of how Sam and Cas got together, through flashbacks.The major character death is canonical.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [under_a_grey_cloud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/under_a_grey_cloud/gifts).



> This is for under_a_grey_cloud, who does some seriously AWESOME beta work for me and has been waiting to see this come out for two and a half months now. I apologize profusely; first it was my head screwing up, and then it got in one of those spirals of "I should do the thing" "But I should have done the thing before" "Now I'm scared to even try".

~~~NOW~~~

Castiel had gotten used to tuning out the constant medley of voices. There were two voices that he couldn’t tune out.

“Hey, Cas. It’s Sam. I’m back if you wanna come… say hi, or hang out, or I know we broke up but that was because I was going to the Cage and not coming back. But I’m back, so… I wanna see you, Cas.”

Rachel looked over to Castiel, who had gone distant mid-meeting. “Dean again?” she asked sympathetically. Dean had prayed twice, and both times Castiel had almost gone to him. He missed Dean, but each prayer had coincided with a new emergency in Heaven.

Castiel shook his head. “Sam.”

All of Heaven knew what that meant. It was hard to miss when Castiel had abandoned the brewing civil war to dive into the Cage the second he’d found a way to hold off two angry archangels long enough to retrieve Sam. Rachel sighed. “Go on, we can finish this later. Just… keep it short, okay? We’re still in disarray from your trip to rescue him from the Cage.”

“No, I’m not leaving,” Castiel said. “It’s Sam’s voice, but something feels… terribly wrong. I can’t go to him until I can properly investigate. In the meantime, he’s still Sam. He’ll be okay.”

 

~~~THEN~~~

Sam and Castiel had planned to spend their last night before Sam sacrificed himself together. They were haunted, almost desperate, as they came together one last time, the sense of impending loss so powerful it couldn’t be ignored. Afterwards, Sam lay close to Castiel, one arm over the angel’s chest. “Cas, I’m so sorry. You know I don’t want to do this.”

“I know, Sam.” He didn’t want to let Sam do it either, and he certainly hadn’t wanted to be the first to say that it wasn’t a terrible plan, that it had a chance to succeed. “But as you say, we’re out of time. This is our best chance. If I can come for you, Sam, I will. But I may not be able to get to you without risking Lucifer’s freedom, and I cannot dishonor your sacrifice by undoing the good it will do.”

Sam flashed a forlorn smile. “I know. I’m making Dean promise not to try and bring me back, because those kinds of deals always go bad. I’d come back wrong, or Lucifer would hitch a ride, or something. It’s gonna be hard for Dean, too.”

“I will keep an eye on him if I can,” Castiel promised. “There will be chaos, Michael and Raphael’s rage will be strong. I may well die myself.”

“I know you’ll look after him for me,” Sam said. “What about you? Will you go back to Heaven?”

Without Sam to tie him to the earth, what else did he expect? “Of course. If I can return, repower myself, it will make coming for you that much easier.”

Sam pulled Castiel into a close hug. “Cas… promise me that if you have to leave me in the Cage, you’ll find a way to move on.” Castiel opened his mouth to protest, but Sam shut him up with a brief kiss. “I don’t mean find a new love, that’s entirely up to you, but… I can’t do this if I think you’re never going to find a way to heal. If Dean will go to Lisa and she’ll let him in, she and Ben will get him through. And Bobby… he’ll be okay. I know he loves me like a son, but he’ll still have Dean, and Dean’s always been his favorite. If he can survive losing Karen twice, he’ll survive losing me. It’s you I’m worried about.”

“If I can return to Heaven, I’ll be all right,” Castiel promised. “If I have to, I can bury the memories and emotions under angelic detachment, with the help of the peace and light of Heaven. If I cannot… I can ask Bobby or Dean for help, I’m sure they’ll assist.” He hesitated, unsure whether to tell Sam about this or not. It would only make things harder for Sam, but it didn’t feel right to keep it secret, not now. “Sam…”

“What is it?” Sam asked, drawing back so he could look Castiel in the eye. “What’s wrong?”

“I swore to love you,” Castiel said, drawing back a little himself. “When I did, a piece of my grace became bound to that promise. Bound to you. On Earth, in Heaven, it doesn’t matter. Under most circumstances, the sworn love of an angel guarantees that human a place in Heaven. But if that piece goes to Hell… I don’t know what will happen.”

“Take it back, then. Unswear it,” Sam immediately offered.

“I can’t just… take it back,” Castiel admitted, reaching a hand up to Sam’s cheek, fingers barely brushing his hair. “I placed no conditions on it, gave myself to you with no restrictions. The only way out is for you to decide you no longer want my love and to tell me so.”

Sam was stunned speechless for a good long time, just staring at Cas with his mouth open while Castiel gently stroked his hair. When he finally found his voice, it was to ask, “Why the hell would you swear that to me of all people? You know what I am, what I’ve done. You had to know that odds were I would end up below anyway.”

This was their most common fight, the unworthiness they both felt of each other. “Well, there is the obvious reason that I do love you unconditionally, without restriction, forever.” Sam closed his eyes, leaning into Castiel’s hand, and Cas could feel the tears he was trying to hide. “It’s not just that angels fall in love with good people that brings them to us. This is the only way you could be damned to perdition now. I know how hard you struggle, how you fight for redemption you often don’t even believe is possible. To redeem yourself, you are willing to cast yourself into the Cage to return Lucifer to it. How could you be found unworthy of eternal reward?”  
Sam was crying openly now, tears flowing freely into Castiel’s hair. “You shouldn’t have done that, Cas. Heaven won’t… Cas, I… you know…” he stopped and drew a deep, shaky breath. “You know I love you, and I’ll love you however long love can last in Hell. You know that, don’t you?”

“Of course, Sam. Hold onto that love as hard as you can, and don’t ever give up on me coming for you.”

Sam bent down, kissing Castiel with an urgency that surprised him. When they separated, Sam pulled away completely. “I love you, Castiel. I’ll always love you, as long as I have a soul to love you with.” He wiped the tears away from his face and tried to clear them from his shaking voice. “But I don’t want your love anymore. You’re free, and I wish you well. It’s over between us.”

Castiel would have stopped him, had he understood what Sam meant to do, but he was just a half-step too late. He felt the final remnant of his grace shatter, freed from its vow, and his heart breaking as Sam turned to leave. “Wait.” Sam looked back, silently begging Castiel to let him go. “If we get you out…”

Sam smiled weakly at Castiel. “I can’t promise anything. But I hope so.” He walked into the night, leaving Castiel to wonder how he would survive the next day.

Cas couldn’t watch Sam say yes to Lucifer. He had come to Detroit with them, stood beside Sam as he chugged the poison that had nearly destroyed him once but was now his only hope. As he stood outside with Bobby, he closed his eyes and turned away from the building. When Dean came out, Cas turned to look. One look at Dean’s face and he knew Sam had failed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! Forgot to hit the "multiple chapters" button! Sorry for the confusion.

~~~NOW~~~

“Cas, man, where are you? I thought you loved me, and now you can’t even come say hi? What the hell, dude.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow at Castiel as he went distant. “It’s just Sam,” he tried to explain. “He’s angry, but…”

Of course Sam was angry. Why shouldn’t he be? “Castiel. Raphael’s forces are regrouping. I can manage for a few days while we lay low and pursue leads. I’ll summon you if you are needed. You’re distracted, worried. Go see him.”

“I can’t,” Castiel argued. “Either he’ll be Sam enough that I won’t care what happened and won’t want to come back, or he won’t be Sam enough and I’ll abandon the war to find out what went wrong. One of Sam’s best qualities is his ability to forgive. He’ll understand once I have the chance to explain to him.” Rachel disagreed, but Castiel was her commander. She could offer advice, but outright contradicting him still felt wrong.

~~~THEN~~~

“Castiel!” Sam looked up from his laptop, turned away from the bed so that the light wouldn’t bother Dean as he slept. “Hey, are you all right? You scared the crap out of us when you collapsed like that!”

“My apologies.” Castiel was still fuzzy, still shaking off the last remnants of exhaustion. “Sam. It’s so good to see you alive. Anna is dead then?”

Sam nodded, a brief smile fading quickly at the reminder of their fallen former friend. “I’m sorry, Castiel. I know she was important to you before she fell.”

“After, as well,” Castiel said, sitting on the corner of the bed near Sam’s chair. “It was she who guided me toward expressing my free will. Still, I do not blame you. When I met with her, Anna asked me to help her or to at least stand aside. I informed her that if she went after you, I would kill her myself. I chose.” Sam was starting to look rather awkward, confusion written on his face. “I chose you. I’m sorry that Anna turned against you. You have so few allies, it’s terrible for you to have been betrayed this way. I know this is probably worse for Dean than you, he was much closer with Anna, but your loss is no less important.”

Sam shifted in his seat with an uncomfortable shrug. “Dean’s pissed. I’m just… Anna saw a threat and came up with a plan to deal with it. You and Dean thought the cost was too high.”  
“It was. Nothing is worth losing you, Sam.” Sam’s head snapped up from the laptop, but he shook his head.

“Look, I know Dean thinks that way, but that doesn’t make him right,” Sam said. Cas looked at him quizzically, realizing that Sam had misunderstood. “If my life is the cost of stopping this, then just tell me how to kill myself so dead that even Lucifer can’t bring me back. I’m the idiot who started all this, the least I can do is sacrifice myself to end it.”

As always, it hurt Castiel to realize that Sam thought that way about himself. “Sam. Nothing is worth losing you. That’s not Dean speaking, that’s me.”

“And I appreciate the sentiment, surprised as hell to hear it, but I do. Still, you’re wrong.”

Castiel stood up, moving in close to Sam, closing the laptop to make sure Sam was paying full attention. “Sam, I am sorry. I have done you some great wrongs, but none more so than destroying your faith. Since I fell, once I got over the anger, I have tried to be the kind of angel you believed in. It is difficult to live up to, but I find I prefer your angels to the ones currently in charge of Heaven.”

Sam snorted, cracking a joke to attempt to deflect Castiel’s sincerity. “No offense, but the guys in charge right now take the angel dickishness and turn it up to eleven.”

“Eleven what?” Castiel asked, confused.

“On a sc… never mind. They go way over the top.” Sam huffed gently. “You, though… not a dick. Not anymore. Not since before Ilchester.”

“I am glad to hear you say that,” Castiel said.

Sam raised an eyebrow at him. “Look, uh, not that I’m complaining, but… what brought this on? I can’t remember you ever saying nice things about me for no apparent reason.”

“Exactly.” Sam just looked more confused, so Castiel tried to explain. “You still remember our first meeting quite sharply, and though my opinion of you has changed a great deal, I neglected to make you aware of that. I have allowed you to think you have no value to me beyond Dean, when that could not be less true.”

“Well, uh… thanks?” Sam clearly had no idea what to say to that.


	3. Chapter 3

~~~NOW~~~

“A month, Cas? Really? Screw you. Except, you might actually take that like all those stolen moments during the Apocalypse, so never mind. What are you doing that’s so important you can’t come say hey, glad you’re not dead?”

Castiel flinched this time. He’d known Sam was angry, but this was getting well out of hand – and the war against Raphael wasn’t showing any signs of resolution. Luckily, Rachel wasn’t around as Castiel flew off to his favorite Heaven, watching the autistic man with his kite. He wanted so badly to go to Sam. Perhaps Dean would have some insight. Castiel reached out with his grace to touch Dean’s mind, but pulled back at the mess of pain, grief, and whiskey that he felt, the joy of Ben looking to him as a father the only good thread through all the bad. This was Dean as he had been right after Sam jumped; that pain should be gone now that Sam had returned. Castiel knew that when he left Sam in Stull Cemetary, newly raised, Dean’s address had been imprinted in his memory, along with directions to get there.

His wings were spread to go to Sam when Rachel called. It was, of course, an emergency.

~~~THEN~~~

Cas came to them as soon as they were awake. He looked between the brothers. “Just so you know, the only part of your experience in your Heaven that was not chosen by Zachariah or one of his cronies is that your Heaven is shared. The two of you have never been there together, but you have both been there individually. This was the first time Sam remembered leaving for Stanford, or that Thanksgiving, Dean. Under normal circumstances, you figure quite heavily in his memories.”

“Why you telling us this, Cas? Thought we weren’t supposed to know anything about our previous trips to Heaven,” Dean snarled, not seeming interested in excuses.

“If they let you remember this one, then they clearly don’t mind you knowing how Heaven works. It’s not like there’s a scale of rebellion,” Cas said. “I’m already exiled, a rebel, cast out. What more can they do to me? What reason is there to keep this from you?” He pulled the amulet from his pocket. “I should return this. If my Father has truly abandoned us, then it doesn’t matter if I have a way to find him or not.” He handed it to Dean. “It may not work as advertised, but it still has value.”

Sam could see the emotions crossing Dean’s face, and he thought he understood what Cas was doing. When Dean tied the cord back around his neck, Sam couldn’t help the a sigh of relief. “C’mon, Sam, we should hit the road. I don’t wanna stay in a room where I watched someone shoot you.”

“Yeah, I don’t wanna stay here either,” Sam agreed. “Give me a sec with Cas, though?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Or we could go somewhere else and you could have a lot longer because you don’t have to deal with my impatience to get the fuck out of here.”

Cas nodded. “Call or text when you stop and I will come.” He disappeared.

“Sam, I don’t know why you and Cas haven’t gotten around to telling me, but I’m not stupid or blind, and as long as you don’t get distracted, I’m happy for you two. Quit hiding, okay?”

“Dean…” Sam tried to protest, to offer explanations, but Dean wasn’t having it.

He grinned, looking more like he gave a crap than he had in a long time. “It happened after detox, right? When you two headed out to the salvage yard and didn’t come back in until the next morning? Yeah, Bobby and I kinda figured out what was happening.”

 

“Dean knows,” Sam said when Castiel showed up in the Impala. “I don’t think he knows the full extent of it, but he’s known pretty much all along.”

“I’m not surprised. The two of you do share a Heaven, your souls are bound together.” Castiel pulled Sam into his arms. “Is he all right now?”

“He’s a lot better than he was. He was actually willing to talk on the drive, so I’m pretty sure we’re good,” Sam said, holding onto Cas tightly. “Thank you for what you said, calming him down before giving him back the amulet, I’m not sure I could’ve taken it if he’d…”

Castiel cut him off with a kiss. “Don’t think about it. It didn’t happen, it won’t happen, your brother loves you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said, pulling Cas in tighter and kissing him again. “Cas?”

“Yes Sam?”

Sam pulled back a bit, just enough that he and Cas could look at each other. “Would it be blasphemous to want to sleep with you?”

Cas blinked, then smiled. “I would be more offended if you didn’t. I know you enjoy sex. Did you mean in general, or right now?”

“Yes. Both. I’m happy to wait until you’re ready, but if you’re good now, then I’d like to.” Cas didn’t answer with words, instead working to remove Sam’s clothes as quickly as possible.


	4. Chapter 4

~~~NOW~~~

“Hey Cas. Found my grandpa back from the dead too, and some cousins I didn’t know I had. I’m not completely alone anymore because the angel who once swore his love can’t be bothered to come for five minutes.”

That was… not entirely unfair, Castiel had to admit. Still, he had never meant for Sam to be alone; he had meant for him to go straight to Dean. It would heal both of them. From what he’d known of the Winchesters, he could hardly be blamed for assuming that Dean would be Sam’s first priority, even above himself.

If it weren’t for the fact that they were in the middle of a battle and Castiel was fighting for his life, he would have gone and told Sam off.

~~~THEN~~~

“Sam?” Castiel looked through the window of the panic room door, trying to find Sam.

He couldn’t see him, but he could see the overturned cot. “It’s over, Castiel,” Sam’s voice came from underneath. “There’ll be some aftershocks, I probably shouldn’t hunt for a day or two, but you can let me out of here. Is Dean there?”

“I’m here, Sammy,” Dean said, coming up beside Castiel. “You sure it’s over?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s shot its best weapon, it’s out of cards, whatever metaphor works for you. I was so close last time, last time the problem was my attitude, not the actual blood. This time I want to be clean as badly as you want me to.” Sam chuckled. “Even if you wanna keep me on lockdown for a while, which I would totally get, would you mind coming in here and flipping the cot back over so I’m not face down on the concrete?”

Dean had the door opened before Sam had finished speaking, and he and Cas went in and flipped the cot. “You look like shit,” Dean told Sam. “Let’s get you out of here, huh?” He started unlocking the cuffs.

As soon as Sam was free, he stood up and hugged Dean. “I know I’m a terrible little brother sometimes. But I also know you don’t still think I’m a monster.”

Dean hugged back. “I never thought you were a monster, Sammy.”

Sam gave him a halfhearted smile, the kind that said he didn’t believe Dean but he didn’t want to fight about it. “Dean, can you… I need to talk to Cas. Something he said earlier.”

"Yeah, sure. I haven’t gotten much sleep the past few days, gonna go let Bobby know you’re mostly good and then fix that.” Dean stared at Castiel with a look of this better be something good. “Wake me up if Sam’s mistaken or something apocalyptic comes up, ‘kay?”

“Of course, Dean,” Castiel said, not being able to offer reassurance because he didn’t know what he was talking about. Castiel didn’t remember saying anything that would require a conversation without Dean. Once Dean was gone, Castiel turned to Sam. “Would you prefer to do this somewhere else? I would think you’d be quite sick of this room.”

Sam nodded. “Come on.” He led the way to the storm door, heading out to one of the abandoned cars, a ’73 Chevy. “I used to hide here when Dad and Bobby were drinking, and found it again earlier this year when I needed to get away from Dean’s mistrust. I think Bobby knows about it; he’s never taken this car to the crusher despite the fact that it’s been stripped of everything worthwhile.” He climbed into the backseat, sliding over to the far door so that Cas could get in beside him.

Castiel closed the door behind him. “What’s this about, Sam? Because I’m curious about something you said while you were hallucinating me.”

“You were listening?” Sam said, panic creeping into his voice. “God, I don’t… not much of what I said could have made sense without your… his… the hallucination’s half of the conversation. What did I say?”

“Something about having no right, and that you can’t.” Castiel looked intensely at Sam. “I don’t know what you meant by that; obviously the hallucination was offended by it, but I have a pretty good idea what you’d spent the previous five minutes apologizing for and that is hardly true.”

Sam pulled his legs up to his chest, burying his face in his knees. “I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said it was nothing, that the hallucination was making up stuff to hurt me?” He looked up and saw Castiel’s skeptical face. “I didn’t think so. Look, Cas, I know you’re trying to make up for letting me think you barely tolerated me for so long. I appreciate it, and it is working. The problem is it’s working a little too well.”

“How do you mean?” Castiel asked, now even more bewildered by the hallucination.

Sam spoke to his knees. “Ever since you brought Dean back, I’ve liked you. Then I actually met you, and, well… you were there. Not all of that was about losing the faith I’d had since I was a kid. That made it easier, really, when I chose to go back on the blood. Then you rebelled, you threw away everything you had for Dean, and all those feelings came back. And they brought friends. It was easy to ignore, to deny, when I thought you hated me. Now, though… I’m sorry, Cas. I meant it when I told the hallucination I never meant for you to know about this. I’ll deal with it; please don’t hold it against me.”

“Sam? May I ask a favor?” Sam nodded. “Pretend that I am an angel who has very limited experience with emotions. I don’t understand what it is I’m not holding against you.”

Sam let out a weak chuckle at the joke. “Rebel or not, you’re still an angel of the Lord. I’m human, and even ignoring the demon blood Azazel gave me, I’m a particularly sinful one. Don’t give me that look; how many of the Commandments do I treat as suggestions? I can think of six pretty easily. And I would imagine that being arrogant enough to think that I could use demon blood to stop Lucifer from rising qualifies as the kind of pride that gets me into deadly sin territory. So, having a crush on you? Probably not a big deal. Going beyond a crush, actually loving you? That can’t be okay.”

The silence stretched out as Castiel processed. “Why?” he asked, when he’d found his voice again. “I’m aware of what you’ve done, Sam. I know who and what you are. If I can love you, why is it not acceptable for you to love me?”

“I destroy everything I love,” Sam said. “Mom died, Jess died, Ellen and Jo died, Dad went crazy, Bobby was halfway there even before I met him or no doubt I’d have messed him up too. Dean’s so far from okay that I got him stuck in Hell for forty years. I can’t do that to you.”

Castiel thought for a moment, deciding what to do. Finally, he reached out, pulling Sam into a hug. “You’ve had a difficult life,” he admitted. “But none of those things are your fault. Your mother died because she made a deal with a demon; your father went crazy because of losing Mary. Ellen and Jo sacrificed themselves as hunters. You couldn’t have known what Azazel would do to Jessica. As for Dean, well, you would do the same for him.”

“I may not have pulled the trigger, but none of them would have died if it weren’t for me,” Sam insisted.

“I said I know who and what you are,” Castiel said. “Allow me to share that with you. You are a child of tragedy; a tool of fate to bring about the end of the world. Lucifer’s vessel, the winner of Azazel’s competition to bring about his freedom. That is what you are. You are a man who puts a great deal of faith in others. You hold yourself to standards that you would berate others for expecting of themselves. You make mistakes, as every human does. Because of the circumstances, yours tend to have larger consequences than most, but your mistakes are rooted in the same causes as those of everyone else. Love for your family, a mistaken sense of duty, misplaced trust in others.”

“I have seen billions of souls, Sam, over countless centuries. In all that time, I can think of very few who would have had the strength to keep going after learning that their mistakes had brought about the Apocalypse. Of those, not many would work toward redemption; most would simply try to keep running. You are the man who believes so strongly in doing right that you work for a redemption you do not believe in. That is who you are.” He pushed Sam back just far enough that he could see his face. “You define yourself too much by what you are. I love you for who you are.”

“Cas…” Sam started, trailing off uncertainly. “Castiel, you…” He swallowed hard, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself. “Castiel, are you sure about this?”

Castiel opened the door. “Follow me, I need a bit more space than the car offers.” Sam climbed out, skeptical but curious about what Cas needed space for. Especially when Castiel made it clear that it wasn’t to get away from Sam, by standing close enough that he could easily rest his hand over the human’s heart and use the other hand to hold Sam’s over his own heart.

As Castiel’s wings unfurled behind him, he heard Sam’s gasp. “Sam Winchester. I swear to you, by the grace that is given to angels, that I love you and that I will always love you. My heart is yours for all of eternity.” He felt the bonds settle around his grace, and released Sam’s hand.

Sam didn’t move it, not right away. “I… I guess you are sure about this,” he finally said. “Can I…” Castiel ducked his head to hide the smile as he swept one wing forward in invitation. Sam reached out, gently stroking the feathers before burying his hand in them. Castiel curled his other wing around Sam, stepping forward just enough to bury his hand in Sam’s hair and pull his head down for a kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

~~~NOW~~~

“Cas, something’s wrong with me. Christian says he always heard that I was the sympathetic, merciful Winchester. He said he’d hate to ever meet Dean if that’s true. Just because I told that widow that her husband was probably alive while the ghouls drained him. I was when those ghouls drained me. Anyway, is that why you won’t come see me? Because I’m wrong? Well, hey, I’m still me. I still want you.”

The prayer sounded wrong to Castiel, just as they all had recently. Before, even when he was pissed at the world in general or at Castiel specifically, Sam’s prayers were respectful and soft. Cas’s brow wrinkled as he realized Sam hadn’t once prayed for his brother or his new family, only himself or demanding Cas come visit. And, while Castiel certainly had come to like the nickname, he’d told Sam once that he liked the way Sam said Castiel. After that, Sam had always used Castiel in prayer, saving Cas for more human moments.

~~~THEN~~~

“May I ask you something, Sam?” Castiel asked, breaking the silence between them after he had tried to convince Sam that he respected and admired the younger Winchester. “Why do you never call me Cas?”

Sam looked over, confusion back on his face. “I don’t? I do it all the time when I’m talking to Dean… would you prefer I call you Cas?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel said honestly. “I kind of like it when you call me Castiel, but there is a degree of friendship implied by the nickname that I hope we share. I was afraid you didn’t use it because of your misunderstanding of my regard for you. Use whichever you prefer.”

“I dunno, maybe that was the reason I never called you Cas to your face.” The realization only temporarily cleared the confusion from Sam’s face. “What do you mean, you like it when I call you Castiel? I would think most people call you that, why would you like it from me in particular?”

“There’s…” Castiel shook his head. “It sounds different from you. I can’t explain how, exactly, but it does.”

“Am I saying it wrong?” Sam asked, concern clouding his eyes.

“No. I don’t know what’s different about it. It hasn’t always been this way; it started…” Castiel thought back. “It started when you came back from Oklahoma.” Castiel kept to himself the realization that it was when Sam came back from Oklahoma that he had realized just how much his feelings for Sam had changed. It didn’t seem relevant.

~~~NOW~~~

“Hey, Cas. Just checking in. Still don’t miss me? Okay.”

That wasn’t fair at all. Castiel missed Sam terribly. But the more he listened to Sam’s prayers, the more convinced he became that this abomination was, somehow, not his Sam.

~~~THEN~~~

While he couldn’t deny that Sam had saved them all, Castiel would almost rather be dead than slumping against the door to the panic room, listening to Sam’s screams and sobs, pleading with hallucinations and occasionally being flung against the walls by the blood within him.

Sam was experiencing a lull in the attack, right now. Castiel straightened and opened the window. “Sam?”

Sam looked up from where Dean had cuffed him to the cot after the last slamming session had nearly broken his arms. “Hey, Cas. It’s not over yet, but it seems like the blood’s giving me a break. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Castiel said. “You recognized the problem and told Dean so that we could take steps to protect you. Even after the attack, you refused Famine’s offer of more and saved Dean and me, not to mention everyone else in that town. I was there. I know how strong Famine’s pull was. And demon blood is a true addiction for you, not simply a desire. You made me proud, Sam.”

“You’re still having to wait out my detox,” Sam said. “I’m trying to keep it quiet, but… I can’t be silent. And I know you have to guard me to make sure I don’t get out like last time.”

“No one is forcing me to be here, Sam. I almost had to force Dean away to get some sleep. We’re waiting this out in the basement with you because we love you and can’t imagine being anywhere else, not when you’re suffering. I can’t cleanse the blood from you, but I can make sure you don’t suffer alone.” Castiel leaned up against the door. “As for you escaping as you did last time… I am the last one who should be set to guard against that, seeing as I am the one who unlocked the cuffs and the door.”

“Huh.” Sam tensed. “Cas… close the window, I think I’m about to lose it again.”

Castiel nodded. “I’ll be here when it’s over.” He closed the window and leaned against the door again, forehead resting on his arm with one ear turned to listen. It was a hallucination… he could hear Sam apologizing a million times.

Cas was just wondering who Sam was apologizing to when he realized Sam’s voice was shaking with tears. “Castiel, I know. I’m sorry. I have no right, but I can’t help it. I never meant for you to know, I know I can’t.” Whatever it was that Sam couldn’t do was cut off as he started screaming, the only discernable words being “Castiel” and “please!”

When the screaming stopped, Castiel listened carefully. Before he could open the window, Dean came down the stairs. “How bad’s it been?” he asked.

“He had a brief period where he was completely himself,” Castiel said. “Several hallucinations, a lot of screaming. You shouldn’t be back yet, it’s only been four hours.”

“Sounds about right,” Dean said, pulling up a chair. “You want a break?”

Castiel hesitated. “I promised Sam I would be here when this was over. But I’m not sure that he should see me just yet… from what I could tell, the hallucinatory version of me was quite cruel.”

“Sam’s not an idiot, he’ll know the difference between halluci-you and real you,” Dean reassured him. “Any idea what you were saying to him?”

“I can guess,” Castiel said. “I would imagine the word abomination got thrown around, and I feel quite certain ‘boy with the demon blood’ came up. Things have been better since Anna’s death, but I let him believe I thought that way for far too long. I don’t think I want to know what I was doing to cause the screaming.”

“Ouch,” Dean said sympathetically. “He seen me yet?”

“You’ll be last,” Castiel pointed out. “He cares more for you than anyone else. The blood may not be going in order of importance, otherwise I’d have been well before your mother or Bobby, but it will save its most potent weapon for last.” He opened the window to check on Sam, but Sam didn’t look up.

Dean gave him a skeptical look, but didn’t explain. They settled in to wait together, listening for any sound. It came suddenly, a loud bang, and Castiel threw open the window to see the cot had been thrown against the wall. “Dean, stop,” Sam said, voice sounding completely broken. Cas looked to Dean.


	6. Chapter 6

~~~NOW~~~

“Hey Cas, six month anniversary of my return. No sign of you. I’m staying away from Dean because he’s out, he’s got Lisa and Ben, and if he cared he’d have at least called Bobby once in a while. Well, I’m calling. You’re not answering. Guess I was dumb to think you’d still give a shit now that you’re a real angel again.”

Sam’s prayers had come regularly. Though Castiel always listened to each one, carefully, he never went to Sam. He wanted to, badly. But he knew that seeing this Sam, this wrong version of the man he loved, would be worse than missing his Sam from Heaven.

 

“Hey Cas. Had to go to Dean – needed to capture a djinn, and this particular one hates Dean and me for killing her daddy a few years back. Dean’s gonna stay with Lisa and Ben, though. Not coming with me. That’s two people who said they loved me who don’t wanna be bothered with me since I came back from Hell. You’d think Dean of all people would get it. But hey, your loss, right? Although it didn’t seem like you were visiting him either. Guess that’s something.”

Castiel couldn’t believe the prayer. Sam had been back a year, and today was the first time he’d talked to Dean? Rachel saw Castiel’s expression, and she gave him a look of I told you so. He pointedly ignored her and resumed planning the next strike on Raphael’s forces.

 

“Hey Cas. Dean changed his mind, we’re gonna hunt together again. I got him now, you don’t answer, so congratulations, you win. I’m gonna stop praying. No point anyway. Bye.”

Castiel left the planning session. Rachel turned to the other lieutenants. “Sam,” she said, by way of explanation. “Our leader is a good angel and I support him fully against Raphael, but he clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing when it comes to dealing with a human.” Once the meeting was over, she went after Castiel.

“Rachel. You needn’t worry; Sam will not be distracting me anymore,” Castiel said. “I apologize for walking out. Were you able to manage without me?”

If Rachel believed it, she would consider herself a bigger fool than Raphael. But she decided not to let on to Castiel that she doubted his word. “The meeting was concluded successfully.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one today, sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here. Come on, Cas, don’t be a dick. We got ourselves a… plague-like situation down here, and… do you, do you copy?”

It was a testament to how much Castiel had come to dread Sam’s prayers that he was actually pleased to hear from Dean in all his ridiculousness. Pastor Jim had tried, but Dean was too intent on emulating his father to learn how to pray properly. Still, he wouldn’t have responded any more than he had when Dean had prayed before, but the case they were on sounded like it fit with one of the weapons that had been stolen. He couldn’t ignore that. He’d go take whatever abuse they chose to hurl, find the Staff, and leave.

“The son of a bitch doesn’t answer,” Sam was saying when Castiel materialized in the room. Dean had caught sight of Castiel, and apparently Sam noticed the look on Dean’s face as well. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he.”  
Sudden nerves overwhelmed Castiel. He said the only thing he could think of as he looked at Sam again, everything surging through him at once. The love he still felt for Sam, the anger he’d felt from Sam over the past year, the fear of Sam’s wrongness, all combined to nearly overwhelm him. “Hello.”

Sam reacted poorly, mocking Castiel’s choice of greetings. “I spend all that time trying to get through to you. And now Dean calls once, and it’s, ‘hello.’ So, what, you… you like him better or something?”

He knew it was the wrong thing to do. The Sam that Castiel had loved would never have asked the question. Thought it, perhaps, but he would never set himself up for the answer that he still halfway expected even after Castiel had sworn his love. “Dean and I do share a more… profound bond.” He turned to Dean and shrugged. “I wasn’t going to mention it.”

Dean looked at him in complete confusion. But he didn’t press the issue. “Cas, I think what he’s trying to say is that… he went to Hell, for us. I mean, he really took one for the team. You remember that?” Castiel nodded. How could he forget? “And then he comes back, without a clue, and you can’t take five friggin’ minutes to give him some answers?”

“If I had any answers, I might have responded.” It wasn’t a lie. He’d almost gone every single time. Sometimes he stopped himself, sometimes Rachel or Raphael or just plain bad timing stopped him, but he almost went every time. “But I don’t know, Sam!” That part was a lie. All of Heaven knew. Raphael had been so stunned by the action that he’d refused to press the advantage, though he hadn’t hesitated to take advantage of the disarray in Castiel’s forces that had resulted from his absence the second he was back. “The whole thing remains mysterious.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Sam asked, standing up and getting in Castiel’s face.

Castiel inched closer, barely able to help himself. “What part of ‘I don’t know’ escapes your understanding?”

Sam backed off, and Dean decided to step in. It was a good chance for Castiel to return the topic to the matter at hand. Analyzing what had happened to Sam could wait. He explained about the chaos in Heaven and the missing weapons. “I need your help.”

“That’s rich. Really.” Sam sounded quite disbelieving.

“Sam, Dean. My people skills are rusty. I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. But believe me, you do not want that weapon down here.” The Winchesters couldn’t argue with the logic, and it almost felt like old times when Dean said something incomprehensible and Sam translated.

When they found the boy had sold his soul for the ability to get revenge for his brother, Castiel barely hesitated. He had to know who had done it. It would be most unpleasant, but it was regrettably necessary. He’d expected to have to fight with the Winchesters; he’d half-expected them to talk him out of it. He never expected Sam to support him. Until Sam didn’t try to interfere, except to ask if there would be any permanent damage. Until Sam held Dean back from stopping him.

The name took Castiel by surprise. “I thought he died in the war.”

“What, was he a friend or something?” Sam almost sounded jealous. He’d known Sam had a jealous streak, but this was over the top.

“A good friend.” Sam looked pissed, but Dean was the one to point out the obvious – that his friend had obviously gone wrong somehow. He made the mistake of saying the name aloud, attracting one of Raphael’s assassins. 

The two fought, both losing their blades and flying out of the window, landing on a car. Castiel felt a sense of spiteful satisfaction at having destroyed it.

Castiel began gathering ingredients for the locating ritual. Thankfully, the Winchesters had most of what he needed; he only had to leave briefly to get myrrh. While he worked, he told them about the civil war in Heaven. He had to admit to being ashamed of his brothers. Dean was standing closer, so Castiel naturally grabbed to get blood. He could feel Sam’s anger, jealous over such a meaningless decision. It was painful, being here, and Castiel wanted to return to Heaven quickly.

Balthazar’s place was a testament to hedonism. Castiel could hardly be surprised. “Cas, you’re here,” Balthazar said, coming out to greet him. Balthazar pointed out the assassin of Raphael’s, now suffering from a case of frog in the throat.

“Even I know that’s a bad joke,” Castiel protested. He tried to understand how Balthazar could have gone from honorable soldier to hedonistic thief, and couldn’t be surprised when Balthazar blamed it on him and his example. Castiel had broken a lot of rules, but it had never been for his own reward or his own gain. Except for Sam, of course, but those were less rules and more guidelines, because love was the product of God.

Balthazar wouldn’t give him the weapons, and he disappeared when Raphael arrived. The two angels had fought before – Raphael had even killed him once. But this was the first time since Castiel had begun leading the rebellion that the two had ever fought personally. It was a brutal fight, one Castiel knew he was doomed to lose. Until Balthazar returned and saved him. He had to let the Winchesters capture him to free the child. What had Balthazar been thinking, taking a child’s soul? Still, he couldn’t let Dean keep Balthazar imprisoned. He fled before he had to answer questions. He knew Balthazar would find him and demand to know which hairless ape was Sam, and he didn’t want to deal with that, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta asked about Castiel's spiteful satisfaction about destroying the car and I never got around to answering, so here it is: that car is Sam's soulless plastic piece of crap that he was driving instead of riding with Dean in the Impala.


	8. Chapter 8

“Castiel? Uh… I’m back. So, if you got a minute…” The words cut into Castiel, and he disappeared from his meeting mid-sentence. Rachel would smooth things over. He had to know if this was truly Sam again.

For once, Castiel chose to appear in front of the person who called him. Naturally, Sam was turned around to look behind him. He could see the disappointment in Sam’s posture as he started to turn back, but there was no trace of the anger that the soulless version of him had shown. “Sam.” Sam stood up, looking almost in disbelief as the two of them stared at each other. “It’s so good to see you alive.”

“You, too,” Sam said faintly.

“You are you, I hope?” Castiel said, hardly daring to believe that not only had Sam recovered from the soul return, he was here, safe and healthy and back to his wonderful, loving self.

Sam looked a little puzzled. “Who else would I be?”

“The soulless body who’s been walking around as you for the past year and a half, of course. If you found a way to rid yourself of your soul again.” Cas didn’t think so, but he couldn’t bear it if he let himself believe only to learn he was wrong.

Sam sat back down. “What? I don’t… I don’t remember anything between jumping into the Cage and waking up in the panic room a couple days ago. Dean told me I’ve been in Hell for a year and a half, but I don’t remember any of that.”

Well, this was bad. Apparently Death had put the memories of Sam’s body walking around topside behind the wall as well. “When I was brought back, I was able to heal Bobby and Dean. I tried to get to you. I thought I had gotten you out, but I failed. I brought you back wrong. Without the most important part of you, although I didn’t learn that until much later. I brought your body out of Hell, but your soul remained in the Cage as Michael and Lucifer’s personal chewtoy. Were you to remember that, you would likely die, or be in such profound psychic pain that you would be unable to function at all. I explained this to Dean when he wanted to restore your soul; I was… conflicted. Soulless Sam was a terrible person, but at least there was a Sam alive in this world. Dean made a deal with Death to rescue your soul. Death put up a wall in your mind between you and your memories of Hell. It would seem he also blocked your memories of your time without your soul, as well. The wall won’t hold forever, but there’s a good chance that it will hold long enough. The rest of your life. The less you try to remember that period, the more likely it is that the wall will hold.”

“Did I do anything I need to know about?” Sam asked, looking shell-shocked and extremely disturbed. “What was I like?”

“You were as any human would be without a soul. You had a job to do, and you would do it, no matter who or what was in your way. You didn’t care about others, because you didn’t have the capacity. Innocent people, children, Bobby, even your own brother were considered acceptable to risk as collateral damage. You tried to kill Bobby to prevent Dean from putting your soul back inside you, because you overheard my concerns and Crowley echoed them. He’ll get over it, Sam, but he does have a reason for being uncomfortable around you at this time. You let Dean be turned into a vampire, because you trusted that he would be able to resist feeding long enough to learn what you needed to know, and as long as he didn’t feed, he could be cured.”

Sam looked nauseated. “What sort of horrible thing did I do to you, Cas? I can’t believe this.”

“I suppose the worst thing you did to me was tricking me into coming to you mid-battle against Raphael’s forces. You told me that you’d found a gold box that the Nazis had been interested in, and you thought it might be the Ark of the Covenant.”

Eyebrow raised, Sam stifled a laugh. “You came to me because I told you I was living through Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

“Yes. There is a civil war in Heaven, I lead one of the factions – the weaker faction – and I am trying to find several artifacts that were stolen from Heaven in an attempt to win the war. It was the only truly reliable way to make me come to you. I will give you this, you did ask me to come only because it was important before you lied to me. You then threatened to hunt me down and kill me if I didn’t help you with the problem you had truly called me for.” Cas shrugged. “By then, of course, I knew that you were without your soul. You have no need to apologize to me. Words were said in anger, but I had provoked that anger with my own cowardice, and I certainly said some hurtful things to you as well.”

“Cas, I… I’m so sorry,” Sam whispered.

“Don’t be,” Castiel said. “Your soul is the part of you that is capable of regret, of sorrow, of guilt. Your soul has nothing to do with anything your body did while it was missing. I don’t hold anything against you as you are now. In fact, it’s my fault.”

“How is my dickery your fault?” Sam asked.

“Because…” Castiel had intended to lie, or at least to tell only part of the truth, but he made the mistake of catching Sam’s eyes. “I’m the one who screwed up in the first place, who brought you back without your soul. I didn’t mean to, I meant to bring back the man I loved, but I knew something was wrong with you and let the matter be instead of investigating. I tried to talk Dean into not retrieving your soul for fear of what would happen to you were it returned. Sam, this past year and a half… you don’t know what I’ve become, the things I’ve done or allowed to happen. I don’t know what I’ve become or how I got this far off the reservation.”

“Maybe not, but I know you. I know that whatever’s happened, it started with good intentions. What’s going on?”

Castiel summarized the past year and a half, making sure not to lie or hide anything, up until he’d resumed contact with the Winchesters. “Please forgive me, Sam, but I’ve told you everything relevant to what’s going on already. I’d rather not take chances with your wall.”

“Fair enough. Okay. Don’t hate me for this, but you need to tell Dean. Everything. He’ll be pissed. Probably hit you a couple times.”

“I could never hate you. Especially when you’re only telling me what I already know.” Dean was going to be very angry. There was no way around that. Castiel hoped Dean wouldn’t hit him. All it would do is injure his hand, probably making Dean angrier instead of allowing him to vent. Now that Sam knew, though, the only way to avoid Dean finding out was to ask Sam to lie to Dean. That was something Castiel refused to do.

Sam got back to his feet, moving around the table to stand near Castiel. “I know this was a long time ago for you, but for me, it’s only been a couple days since we were preparing for me to take down Lucifer. You got me out of the cage, Cas.”

“Not all of you. Not the important parts.”

Sam shook his head. “Not the point. You kept the promise you made me. You tried. If Lucifer had gotten free when part of me did, I don’t think I’d need this wall. Thank you.”

“Of course I tried. Sam, I…”

“Saying I didn’t want your love anymore was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You asked me what would happen if you got me out, and I didn’t want to make any promises that night. Now that it’s happened, what do you want to do?” Castiel didn’t answer, causing Sam to laugh softly. “Let me guess. You want to get back together, but given what you’ve been up to, you don’t feel like you deserve to be happy?” Castiel nodded. That was exactly what he was thinking. Sam gave him a fond look. “Well, I can’t match your big showy display to convince you that I love you anyway, but know that I would if I could.”

“Do you want me to bind myself again?” Castiel reached up, putting a hand on Sam’s chest, over his heart. “I will.”

Sam reached up, covering Cas’s hand. “I don’t want you trapped if I die unexpectedly and go back to Hell, but if you’re willing to take that risk and if that’s really what you want, do it.”

Castiel checked to make sure there was room before manifesting his wings and repeating his pledge. Sam’s arms came around him as his grace once again settled into the bond. Castiel snuggled in, hardly believing this was happening. There was a lot of work left to do, both in figuring out how to stop Raphael, and in their relationship, but it would be much easier together.


End file.
